I’ve been avoidant and isolating. It started as a few days, then a few weeks to 2 or more months.
That has made friends and some family back off from me and I never meant for that to happen. I feel very depressed and lonely right now.
I know there’s a difference in feeling alone and actually being alone. I always thought I just felt alone but now I feel both and I think my loved ones are just done with me.
I feel like I’m throwing myself a pity party and playing the victim because I brought this upon myself with my own actions of isolating. I can’t really tell the difference between playing the victim and being a victim because either way trauma and life happened.
I was neglected as a kid to the point my parents didn’t even notice my brother sexually abusing me for 2 years at 4yrs old. He was 13 or 14yrs old. They didn’t even notice him doing it to my sister or cousin too. Now a lot of that is resurfacing again and I can’t help but to feel anger and frustration. I never got justice because he was a teenager and not an adult so by law where I live, I can’t get my justice or innocence back. He continued to be predatory towards my sister and I’s friends in high school. While he was in his late 20s going on 30. He hasn’t changed but my dad is convinced he has.
Anyways. I guess I isolated myself from friends and family for years and recently as a defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt while I feel hurt. I don’t want to hurt anyone. The only person I want to hurt is myself and I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t know how much more I can take till I’m back in a psychiatric facility or residential housing.
For years, I’ve always told myself, you wouldn’t make it past 18 years old. I’m in my 20s now and due to always planning on what my next offing attempt would be after I failed the other attempts, I never planned any type of future for myself. I noticed the older I get, I keep giving myself a deadline to finally off myself. Whether that’s in 10yrs or 20yrs. In 20yrs, I’ll be in my 40s. So far, I’ve made promises to myself I won’t be alive at 40yrs old. Hence to why I don’t take care of myself because I’ve been hoping if I’m successful, maybe one of my families genetic diseases will catch up to me and I won’t have to off myself so I’d look less of a emotional burden.
I’m just tired.
tastefullyoffensive